Submitted by The Silver Wig:
HELP WANTED: Plunge Protection Team Member (U.S. Working Group on Financial Markets - Emergency Overflow Division)
The United States has more work than it can handle keeping stock and bond markets from discovering gravity. After years of heroic overnight interventions, emergency liquidity injections, and “nothing to see here” press conferences, the Plunge Protection Team is overwhelmed. Markets keep trying to plunge. We keep stopping them. We need reinforcements. Immediately.
Position: Plunge Protect Team Member (PPT Operative, Level 3) Location: Undisclosed locations Type: Full-time, permanent, never admits existence Job Description: You will join the elite, totally-not-a-conspiracy unit whose sole mission is to keep the S&P, Nasdaq, and Treasury market from remembering what free price discovery feels like.
Daily duties include:
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Quietly absorbing sell orders that would otherwise trigger cascading margin calls
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Buying every dip before the opening bell (and sometimes during it)
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Coordinating “spontaneous” futures ramps at precisely 3:50 p.m. ET
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Ensuring that any 5% drawdown is reclassified as a “healthy correction” by the next trading day
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Maintaining the official narrative that markets are efficient, rational, and completely unsupervised
The workload has never been higher. Every time a central bank blinks, a geopolitics headline hits, or someone remembers debt-to-GDP ratios, the phones light up. We offer plenty of opportunities to stabilize.
Requirements:
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Experience printing or facilitating the printing of large quantities of money (prior QE, repo, or “not QE” experience preferred)
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Ability to stay calm while markets are actively on fire
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Strong poker face for congressional testimony and CNBC appearances
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Willingness to work holidays, weekends, and the exact moment retail investors decide to panic
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Must be able to explain that “this time is different” with a straight face
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Spoofing experience a plus
Compensation & Benefits:
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Competitive government salary plus unlimited overtime during crisis mode (i.e., every day)
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SIGN-ON BONUS: $2,500,000 (paid in freshly created liquidity)
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Full access to the money printer
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Platinum health plan that covers stress-induced ulcers and baldness
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Lifetime protection from ever having to experience a real bear market
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Free coffee and occasional donuts
How to Apply: Send résumé, LinkedIn profile, and a short essay titled “Why Markets Should Never Be Allowed to Fall More Than 2%” to the usual backchannel. No public posting. If you have to ask where, you’re not ready.
The Plunge Protection Team. Because capitalism is great… as long as someone is always there to catch it.
Equal Opportunity Employer (for people who understand that free markets are for other countries).
This is satire.
